Conflict Styles

Dishon and I went on a cruise in November, 2003 for Christian couples sponsored by T.D. Jakes. We thoroughly enjoyed live jazz from Kirk Whalum and Smokie Norful's soulful praise music, as well as our time in Puerto Rico, St. John, St. Maarten, and the Bahamas. We also learned quite a bit from Ronn Elmore's sessions about relationships. One of the topics was conflict resolution, and we explored three main conflict styles.



Fighter: 
Fighters are usually ready to engage in conflict, but the motivation isn't to improve communication or promote understanding. The goal for a fighter is to win the argument or to establish that s/he is right. When the other person is talking, fighters aren't really listening, but are instead preparing his/her next point. Fighters may resort to yelling and/or name calling as they verbally spar.

Fleer: 
Fleers tend to avoid conflict by shutting down and disengaging. When a fleer is upset, s/he is likely to give his/her loved one the silent treatment. The silence isn't true silence but is actually pregnant with a world of unexpressed hurt feelings. Fleers may physically leave and feel justified in their lack of engagement because they think the other person should already know how they are feeling.  

Freezer: 
Freezers engage in the conflict, but don't emotionally invest in it.  Conflict makes freezers feel like they're not good enough, or bad in some way, and they're concerned that the conflict may end/cause damage to the relationship, so they remain emotionally distant, as their goal is to avoid blame. If a freezer steps on your foot, for example, a freezer may say something like, "I'm sorry your foot got stepped on," instead of, "I'm sorry that I stepped on your foot." Freezers can be masterful at impression management.

There can also be conflict style combinations. Early in my marriage, I would begin as a fleer, and when faced with freezer statements, turn into a fighter.  Not healthy at all.

There will be conflict in relationships. Conflict itself is not bad . . . it's how we choose to handle it that makes all the difference. Learning to identify these conflict styles and to communicate to promote understanding motivated by love was transformational for me personally and for my marriage. I need to think about how the characters in my novel will engage in conflict.

What's your conflict style?